So why do we push ourselves so hard, so much, despite deep down knowing we shouldn’t?

There are a couple of reasons, emotional reasons;

•our inability to keep boundaries

•our need to be needed

•our need to be kept busy

Let’s look at these a bit closer…

And before you argue with me, it has nothing to do with demands being put on us. It honestly doesn’t. When I, with my clients, examine this cycle, they can all identify how it is totally a self-prophecy.

So, our inability to keep boundaries, is us not saying no to requests and demands that others, or ourselves, put on us. It is all about not being able to put our own needs on the priority list.

We tell ourselves that they need our help, have no one else, are not able to do it, whatever, etc, etc, however, people will ALWAYS ask – until you say no. It’s human nature. There are always those who ask, and those who give.

Sometimes a relationship has a healthy balance of these two aspects, and sometimes not. Think about it, the person who is always asking for your help, they always have a reason to ask, an excuse, a drama, a need - and you may say they are very unfortunate, stuff always happens to them – NO! Believe it or not, and this is on a subconscious level, they draw the need onto themselves, they like asking and receiving and it will always be like that until you change your response.

Our need to be needed; this is a challenging one to accept, as it is on a subconscious level and is a fundamental need we all have to some extent. To be needed and to feel significant, is a natural thing. However, it can be out of balance from past unhealed hurts, and lead to unhealthy choices when this ‘void’ needs to be filled excessively. When we need recognition and approval, and use helping others as a way to get these, it hides the real work that is really the need. To heal the hurts from the past.

This looks like; agreeing to everything, feeling sorry for everyone and helping them, stepping in and helping others without even being asked, etc. All the while you feel good being there for them, sorting their problems for them and being the helper.

Ultimately, you put their needs before yours, which ends up exhausting you, as you now don’t know how to get out of the cycle where you are convinced the other person needs you, when you really need to feel their need of you.

Our need to be kept busy; let me explain; we all have hurts, traumas, that are not fully dealt with. If some of you say you don’t, well, I would challenge you on that one, but congratulate you, if you actually have done the absolute mountains of work, hours a day, to get to that point.

So, let’s presume we all have undealt trauma. It doesn’t feel nice when those buttons are pushed. And they will get pushed, that’s what life is about.

Keeping busy, keeping your head full of to-do lists, is a great way of blocking out your feelings about things. Why do you think solitude is a form of punishment? When left alone with our thoughts, it can drive a person mad, so what better way to numb those thoughts, those emotions, than by filling our head with stuff. Any stuff. If I don’t have enough, I’ll take your stuff too! And then I call it helping, and fool myself into thinking I’m being good, as opposed to realising that the reality is, I am avoiding my own pain!

How do you know where you fit in?

Every now and again, stop and ask yourself;

•How do I feel doing this task?

•What is my intention? Honestly?

•Am I doing it to get thanks, praise, approval?

•Am I using it to avoid doing something else that I should be doing?

•Do I really want to say no but can’t get the word out?

Challenge yourself to question yourself and make some changes.

I wish you all the best. x