Continued from... They just didn't care. Or was it something else?
Why do we think we can figure stuff out for others, on behalf of others, when, a lot of the time, we cannot figure our own decisions out!
And obviously when it is bigger stuff, it goes deeper and we spend longer trying to figure it out. I think it’s human nature to do this a little bit, some do it a lot!
Several years ago, I was leaving a job and someone that I thought would definitely go to my leaving do, didn’t… They sent no text, no phone call, no good luck, nothing, never said anything to me about it to this day.
I ‘decided’ what the reason was, that they didn’t want to make the effort, that I wasn’t important enough… I had no proof, never asked, I just decided.
So how could I actually possibly have known. I couldn’t. I didn’t even care that much; I just hadn’t expected it and it threw me.
Maybe I wasn’t important enough for them to go…
maybe they had a sick child,
maybe they had no money,
maybe they felt unwell,
maybe they had a reason they couldn’t explain,
maybe they just didn’t want to and it had nothing to do with me.
And then maybe, they were too embarrassed to say anything as time went by…
The point is I don’t know.
The point is you don’t know.
Whatever you have decided about that thing that someone did or didn’t do…you have no idea why they did it that way.
Just because you expected it different.
Just because you decided it was the right thing to do, the way to behave.
Just because you thought this is the way you wanted it.
You actually have absolutely no idea why they behaved the way they did and you will drive yourself mad trying to explain it, figure it out or understand.
Understand this; everyone has their own unique story from which their subconscious makes decisions from.
It is from their own unique;
So, there is no way for you to absolutely know what is going on in that persons individual hard-drive, resulting in them saying hello, or not, sending a card, or not, ringing you, or not, going to your leaving do, or not.
Let it go.
As much as you can. Practice, as soon as you notice yourself doing it, practice letting it go.
It is most people’s nature to fall into this hole a little bit, so here are some tips;
•Allow yourself one conversation with one person, not a group as it escalates too much, for say 20 minutes. And now let it go.
•Write the thing down, uncensored, give out, ask questions, say how you feel, write as if writing to them. And then burn the letter or rip it into tiny pieces to destroy it. And then let it go.
•Play the what-if game. You can soften the hurt by asking what if it is this, or that, and even though you might be convinced it’s not any of the what-ifs, it shows your brain that there are in fact other possibilities. And then let it go.
Why do you think you do the predicting, assuming, judging and ‘trying to understand’ thing?
You are trying to self-sooth an imbalance which has occurred as a result of the thing that has happened.
For example; my colleague didn’t come to my leaving do which leaves me hurt, confused, it even nudges my insecurities about myself, my self-worth, my place within my work team.
In order to make these feelings go away, I go into my head to explain them, to judge others on their behaviour, thinking that then it will make me better. A little bit, the classic situation of putting another down to make oneself feel more. If I judge another, saying they should have come, they were wrong, then I must be righter than them.
All that has happened, is that someone else’s behaviour has triggered an insecurity in me. The insecurity was there long before this thing happened. The trigger just re-awakens it.
The reason for the insecurity needs to be healed. And this will only heal if you allow yourself to feel the emotions it brings up, by these triggers.
Feel the emotions in brings up.
Acknowledge them, literally say to yourself – I feel sad, insecure, afraid, angry… just acknowledge with no self-judgement.
Feel where it sits in your body. Be aware.
Have a go at doing the tips above and do your best to then let it go.
Giving out about others, judging and presuming stuff, gets you into your head, out of your body and stops the feeling. Stops the healing and will never work. You will never progress dealing with stuff this way!